Sunday Trust online

The goat story

Until recently, I have never given goats a second thought. My late mother reared them when she could afford them, or whenever any of our benevolent non-Forbes certified rich neighbours gave her one to rear. For my mum’s diligence, poverty clung to the roof, the walls and the floor of our village huts with the ever-fresh pungent smell of the cow dung used to plaster them in those days. It still does. My late mother also had an uncanny habit of giving her goats funny names. The last one I remember was inuejalawo. Now, this is imported Yagba; it would mean something like the heart is unsearchable. How right she was

If only Mum knew why the fight against poverty eluded her fingers of diligence, perhaps I could have hit the Forbes list before Aliko Dangote and she would have been there before Folorunsho Alakija. Our ever-toiling villagers would have been richer than indolent but over bloated politrickcians and there would have been no need for government.

People, there is serious danger in keeping goats! Leave goat rearing to the Fulani our own version of cowboys.

Why worry about goats? Well, Naija police have hit the record books by parading a goat as an armed robber! Yes, you heard it right. What we are waiting for is how the courts decide this case and who would have the liver to eat the suya meat when the goat is sentenced and then executed. This must be good news if President Jones wants to redeem his battered image. He could recant on his statement that he has not come to eradicate poverty but to perpetuate it. Without unplugging the valve of corruption, this government can make all of us hit the Forbes list.

The generic name of Naija’s problem has four letters, walks on four legs, and pretends to be an omnivore chewing grass – goats. This is good news indeed. As anyone who uses Naija’s potholed roads would attest, the police are more efficient as tax collectors than they are at curbing crime and criminality. If only the tolls they collect end up for their own welfare, our police would need no budget; and who knows might teach cash strapped Scotland Yard how not to close down police stations for a corner of busy London malls.

Anyone claiming that armed robbers have waylaid them is suffering from optical illusion. Armed robbers, like fat cats, are not human beings – they are – goats! It is possible that there are more goats in the system than there are humans. Maybe there are more goats in governance than humans. At least, humans have feelings; they learn lessons; but goats are unrepentantly stubborn.

We have a legislature that feeds fat on the nation’s wealth but does nothing except pass budgets so that they can ingest more money – they must be – goats. We have a corps of ministers who weekly meet to share contracts without effect – they must be – goats. We have governors who sit on fat budgets (apology to Rochas Okorocha who does not believe in budgets), and deliver nothing, they too must be – goats. Any governor’s son accused of money laundering must be the true son of his father!

This discovery explains why N2.1 billion freshly minted N1,000 Naira notes disappeared from the Naija Security Printing and Minting Company without trace. The office is one of the most secured in Naija. It is situated adjacent to a whole divisional police station and the Central Bank of Naija, guarded by combined team of police, SSS and private security guards. Who of these highly trained, motivated and well paid people could have picked up goats as the prime suspect?

If we could get rid of goats in governance, this country would have been an exceptional paradise. In other lands, goats eat grass, Naija goats eat up our common patrimony and roam free.

If there were no goats eating up money meant for the completion of the Abuja-Lokoja Expressway, the Lagos-Ibadan Expressway, the Benin-Ore-Onitsha Road – they would all have been completed on schedule. If there were no goats eating education budgets, university staff would not be on constant strikes, and Naija may not see its cash flowing to Ghana. If there were no goats eating money even from transformers, we would have had constant electric power. Everywhere else but here, goats eat grass; in Naija, they eat hard currency and there’s no going back.

Wait a minute; goats must be drinking fuel too. Otherwise, why are the refineries not working at optimum capacity? Why are there queues when we are number seven on the fuel production ladder?

Who shall deliver us from the rapacious voracity of Naija goats? Goats parading themselves as ministers, legislators, governors, local council members, civil servants, board members etc, and feeding fat on the nation’s economy.

These special breed of goats don’t end up on isi-ewu pots, we would have declared a national feast. They do not end up as suya meat or we would have tackled almajirci. If anyone has ideas how best to cull these marauding beasts please forward them to me for onward transmission to the IG with a copy for President Jones and the feral executhief cancel.

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